what not to say to someone you care about

6 Phrases You Should Never Say To Someone You Care About

  1. “You need to get over it.”
    These 6 words can shut down a person’s feelings and block further conversation. This is usually said when an issue is unresolved and one partner keeps bringing it up. “Getting over it” doesn’t solve anything. In most cases, it makes things worse by leaving issues unresolved only to stack up over time. This is an inappropriate phrase to use no matter the size of the problem. It is perceived that your partner’s feelings are unimportant or that you are not interested in or working through the problem.
  2. “You’re so needy.”
    Sometimes your partner will say, “You’re so clingy.” This may be a sign that he or she doesn’t recognize your emotional needs and/or struggles with being intimate. “Needy” and “clingy” behaviors are often one partner seeking more attention and coming off too strong to the partner who is closed off emotionally. These words are hurtful and make the “needy” or “clingy” partner shut down, thus making it difficult to address emotional issues. If being “needy” or “clingy” is how you express your insecurities, this is something you and your partner need to discuss instead of dismissing the feeling with hurtful words. [Related: When your spouse won't go to counseling]

  3. “You always…” or, “You never…”
    Avoid generalizations because no one really ever “always” or “never” does something. Often, when you accuse someone of “always” or “never” doing something, they become defensive and argumentative. Those behaviors derail productive conversation making it so that you end up off topic having solved nothing.

  4. “I’ll never be good enough for you.”
    This is defeatist thinking (and speaking) and simply doesn’t provide a way for you and your partner to engage in good conversation.  Where do you go from a statement like that? A true partner, invested in the relationship, will love you just as you are. Is your partner frustrated at something said or done?  Is your partner feeling overwhelmed and can’t quite put those feelings into words? Take the time to find out the underlying meaning of those words.

  5. “I’ll file for divorce unless you {fill in the blank}.”
    Ultimatums, fear tactics and empty statements like this don’t work, especially since people rarely follow through on them. Threatening divorce won’t solve anything and it usually pulls you two further apart.

  6. “You should know how I feel.”
    You’ve heard it before but I’ll say it again, your partner is not a mind reader. No matter how much you love each other and how many years you’ve been together, he or she will never be able to read your mind. A big part of the work of relationships is effectively communicating your needs – not just once but every single day.

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Practice intentional communication! Sometimes, hurtful phrases can “slip” in frustration. If you care about your partner, you can ratify the way you speak to them. If this is something you struggle, it isn’t uncommon. Contact me for a 15-minute consult.