You may have noticed that marriage is a lot of work. Like most couples, you may not have known how much work it actually takes to build and sustain a healthy marriage. And by work I mean communication, sacrifice, and commitment to name a few! Even when things are going smoothly, there will always be something or someone that requires more attention from either you or your partner. I’m not talking about infidelity; that someone could be a new baby, family member in need or a demanding new boss. No matter how much work you put forth, it’s important to learn how to master those uneven times in your relationship – times when you must master the art of give and take.
Give and take means taking care of your spouse’s needs, your own needs and attending to that something or someone new in the picture.
5 Tips to resolve an unbalanced relationship:
1. Keep first things first – Don’t let your partner feel as though you take them for granted. Sharing in your new role as parents, taking care of a sick relative, starting a new job or moving the family to a new city; these are just a few of the times when you’ll be taking care of many needs simultaneously. Sometimes simply telling your partner that you haven’t forgotten about him/her makes all the difference in the world.
2. Practice active listening – I know, from personal experience, that most men are “fixers.” When my wife has a rough day, I want to fix her problem so I can tell her about what happened in my day. It’s not that I’m not listening to her, it’s just that I want to solve her problems, and make her feel better so we can move our conversation forward. That has never worked well for me and most times, even when I mean well, it just upsets her more. Practice listening to your partner. I read somewhere that Americans only listen for about 17 seconds before we interrupt someone speaking. The more you practice listening the more in tune you’ll be with your partner’s emotions and realize everything is not all about you.
3. Don’t keep score – Give and take means sometimes one person has to sacrifice what they need in the moment to care for someone else. Life and death are prime examples of this. Bringing a new baby into the family means the needs of just you two have to be put aside for a while. Laying a loved one to rest means one person might need more comfort and attention in that moment.
4. Check in with your own emotions – Even though you’re not keeping score doesn’t mean you don’t have needs that deserve to be met. Speak up, ask for help and share your needs.
5. Realize that change is constant – There will never be a time in your relationship when you don’t have to balance your relationship with give-and-take principles. Some days will seem more balanced than others but most of the time, there will be something or someone that interrupts your flow. It’s all part of the process and work that goes into building and sustaining healthy relationships.
Over time, some relationships can be chronically imbalanced. It can be difficult to find that happy median for both partners. If you could benefit from a process to bring more balance to your relationship, contact me for a FREE 15-minute consult.